Doug PollardTranscript - Rebecca Griffin
DOUG: This is Doug Pollard bringing it to you, now, if you’re of my generation you were probably brought up with your mother holding something like Dr. Spock’s book in one hand about how to bring up a baby and since those days there’ve been hundreds upon hundreds of books telling us how to be a parent and of course, there were always fights between one set of parents and another set of parents over who’s guru was better who’s. But there’s a new book on parenting come out now that’s called: “Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me?” which draws on the collective wisdom of people who know best, people who are already parents. It’s been put together by my next guest Rebecca Griffin, good morning, Rebecca.
REBECCA: Good morning, Doug. How are you?
DOUG: I’m very well, thank you. I must say, I’ve been having a read of your book. It is very different to the usual kind of parenting manual.
REBECCA: Well, thank you. That’s actually a compliment. The reason I wrote it was to be different, I have three children now. When I first had my first baby, Sarah – m’mm, I didn’t really know what to do. I didn’t know how to parent. I had no idea so being who I am I went on the Internet which is probably not a great idea. Also went to the bookstores, grabbed a whole heap of books. It just was very confusing to me because half of the books told me to do it one way and the other half told me to do it the other and both said ‘if you don’t do it this way your child will be damaged for life’ so, it makes for a really neurotic moment in a parent’s life and I just found it intensely – m’mm, difficult. To navigate my way through all of the – you know, “advice” and “expert opinion” and who was right and who was wrong so, that lasted a few years before I decided to write this book and – m’mm, try and have a bit of an antidote to that, I guess.
DOUG: Yes and of course, in the midst of all that as you point out in your book, there’s also always, competition between different parents; one lot saying, no, no, no you can’t do it like that – or ‘you’ve read doctor-so-and-so’ and he says to do this – and someone else comes back and says ‘no – well, I follow so-and-so’ and she says to do that - - -
REBECCA: Yeah. Yes.
DOUG: Someone else says ‘well, my mother always said’ [laughs] - - -
REBECCA: Well, that’s right – it can get – the problem I think – it’s wonderful that everyone has different opinions, different ways of doing things ‘cause that’s what makes our society so fantastic and colourful and interesting. I think the problem arises when parents start denigrating each other and that is really common. I found it incredibly shocking and a little bit traumatising, frankly – m’mm, when I became a parent. If I didn’t know how to do something for example, I might have been having difficulty getting Sarah or Zoe off to sleep. I’ve had trouble with all of them, trying to get them to sleep and I thought I would try something out called: controlled crying. Went on the Internet and joined a discussion group and tried to figure out how to do it. But instead of support and advice I was abused over the Internet, for torturing my baby and ‘what was I doing’ and - - -
DOUG: [laughs]
REBECCA: - - - it was all backed-up with this “evidence” which was just ridiculous, which is why I decided to make it a scientifically-based book. To make sure that the evidence was supported for each thing was correct - - -
DOUG: What you’ve actually done is put together a lot of advice from people who’ve actually parented - - -
REBECCA: That’s right.
DOUG: - - - you have listened to various people’s stories and on a variety of issues that you’ve covered. I think it’s fair to say that in a lot of cases you don’t say: this is the one, right way to do it – or – ‘that is the one, right way’ – ‘that is the wrong way to do it’ what you say is basically it’s different for every parent and it could be different for any one parent, for each of their children. People are not the same and here is the range of options that’s(sic) available - - -
REBECCA: Absolutely.
DOUG: - - - and try what works for you.
REBECCA: Absolutely, I think it’s a little bit outrageous and naive to think that one option is going to fit every parent, every family – every child. It just doesn’t make sense – I mean, just probability-wise, common sense-wise. That just doesn’t make sense if you want to think of it on that level. So – m’mm, the whole point of this book is to get to get the people who are really wise, the people who’ve done the hard yards. The parents. Not the experts, the parents who I believe are the experts – you know, by the way - - -
DOUG: [laughs]
REBECCA: I really sought to ensure that everyone, no matter what topic we were discussing, there had to be a range of parenting styles in there. On the whole spectrum. Just to show that every child, pretty much, turns out okay – you know? (and)If that resonates with you, the parenting style – go for it. If it doesn’t, don’t worry about it. Let it go, its okay – you know, everyone – it appeals to different people, different parenting styles.
DOUG: Now, the other thing that’s reasonably unique in certainly, my experience anyway is that you’ve also gone onto same-sex parents to talk about their experiences. Both male couples and female couples.
REBECCA: Well, yeah, I think the whole point about the book is its inclusive not only of parenting styles but also of parents and I think one of the things that really annoyed me, it just annoyed me. When I went to the bookstore to have a look at books and whatever, I’d turn to my husband and say: ‘why aren’t single dads in this’, ‘why aren’t single mums in this’ – why is everyone left out, why aren’t there gay and lesbian parents in this – it just didn’t make sense to me that that wasn’t the case. “Cause – call me insular but I’ve grown-up with a lot of gay and lesbian friends, a lot of single parents – married parents, you know? Everyone’s pretty diverse in my community so it hadn’t been an issue up until the point I went to try and research it and it - - -
DOUG: [laughs]
REBECCA: - - - really hit me. It really hit me - - -
DOUG: Yes.
REBECCA: - - - wow, why isn’t everyone included here? It’s not making sense. So, I set out – I was on a bit of a mission to ensure that everyone was included and definitely including same-sex couples and individuals.
DOUG: (and)That has led you to cover things like conception - - -
REBECCA: Yes.
DOUG: - - - both natural if I can call it that?
REBECCA: Yes.
DOUG: (and)Through things like IVF, surrogacy, adoption and fostering. Not just from the point of view of your standard 2.4 children, heterosexual family but from the point of view of single people and same-sex couples, too.
REBECCA: Well, that’s right – I mean, a lot of people when they think of conception or assisted conception, I should say – they do think of a man and a woman and maybe, 2.2 babies – you know, as a result. But the point is there are lots of different people who use reproductive technology and especially same-sex couples and especially, gay and lesbian individuals and single, heterosexual people as well so everybody is(sic) using these technologies. Also fostering people and adoption but I guess, that’s quite topical today - - -
DOUG: M’mm.
REBECCA: - - - particularly if you live in New South Wales - - -
DOUG: Indeed.
REBECCA: I’ve got my eye on the news and twitter sights, today. I’m keeping informed, there might be some news today on the case for adoption, for same-sex people in New South Wales and obviously we all eagerly await the – some good news, I hope.
DOUG: Yeah. Now, just to give people a sense of the book as a whole - - -
REBECCA: M’mm, m’mm?
DOUG: - - - you start properly enough as I say, with conception and you take it right through pregnancy. Feelings people might go through, body image issues for women – sex during pregnancy, you take that right through both at birth and after the birth - - -
REBECCA: M’mm, m’mm.
DOUG: Go through vaginal births, caesarean births – are you also taking partners’ perspectives?
REBECCA: Well, yes. I don’t – I often found when I was reading even if I did stumble across some birth stories it was all from a female perspective so what about female partners and what about male partners, where is(sic) their voice in this? There are sometimes, two people in the room - - -
DOUG: [laughs]
REBECCA: - - - incredibly invested in the birth of the baby. I understand, being a female – but I’ve given birth, myself - and its intensely emotional and spiritual and all of that kind of stuff but there might be another person in there that’s equally invested in the delivery of this child. So, why aren’t we hearing from them?
DOUG: Yes and you also cover fatherhood as well motherhood which as you say, is the balance that’s often missing, there. You have - - -
REBECCA: M’mm.
DOUG: - - - separate dads’ books and mums’ books quite often, don’t you?
REBECCA: God, it annoys me – really, I mean, parents are parents are parents are parents – full stop so, why aren’t dads included in these books – I don’t understand. I really don’t, I’ve been scratching my head for a long time about this - - -
DOUG: [laughs]
REBECCA: - - - so - - -
DOUG: Well, you’ve corrected that. So – okay, is the book out now or - - -
REBECCA: The book is available to pre-order – m’mm, I think you can just Google my name: Rebecca Griffin or “Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me” and it will come up - - -
DOUG: Yeah.
REBECCA: - - - it’s coming out in a few week’s time and I think, if you live in Melbourne you can grab it at Hares and Hyenas – have I got that right? The name - - -
DOUG: Yes.
REBECCA: - - - of that fabulous bookstore, there - - -
DOUG: Yes.
REBECCA: In all bookstores, worldwide actually. It’s set for international release in a few weeks time so it’s very exciting.
DOUG: Well, fingers crossed Rebecca. I think you’ve done an outstanding job.
REBECCA: Thank you so much, Doug.
DOUG: Thanks for joining us this morning.
REBECCA: You’re very welcome, thanks for having me.
DOUG: You’re welcome. That was Rebecca Griffin, there. The author of: “Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me?” It will be available at Hares and Hyenas or you can get it over the Net just Google: Rebecca Griffin, Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me. She has a website and you can pre-order it. It will be available worldwide and I think it’s a damn, good book because – you know, parenting is not something that actually interests me terribly. But I went through, having a read of that and I thought there was a lot of really, really, really, really good sense in there.
