Doug PollardKaye Sera's BiZARRE Xmas
A warm welcome back to Freshly Doug for Kaye Sera as she plunges headlong into a busy Christmas season and her piano bar becomes a Midsumma Hub.
DOUG: My next guest needs little if any introduction ‘cause she’s me-old-mate Kaye Sera innit (sic) so how you doing Kaye?
[laughs]
KAYE: Oh, darling I’m fine and Season’s Greetings to you and everybody. I love Christmas because it’s the one chance – I’m thinking about leaving my Christmas decorations up all year.
DOUG: Yes.
KAYE: It’s like Aunty Mame says, everyday is Christmas. I do love all that kind-of – I mean, I’m such a closet Christian at heart – but I love all that kind of giving and all of the Christmas decorations and everything, bah-humbug.
[laughs]
KAYE: No – I do love it, I really do. Darling, you’ve got your tree up?
DOUG: No. Because I’m going - - -
KAYE: You didn’t do a tree?
DOUG: - - - didn’t do a tree or any decorations.
KAYE: Why not?
DOUG: ‘Cause we’re going away.
KAYE: Where are you off to?
DOUG: We’re going up to Cairns for Christmas.
KAYE: Oh, how great.
DOUG: We’re going to get rained on for a week [laughs]
KAYE: Lovely. All tropical; do they have trees up there?
DOUG: Yes, they do but we’re going to get rained on and steamed.
KAYE: Yes.
DOUG: I’m sure, whilst we’re up there - - -
KAYE: Yeah.
DOUG: - - - but it’s just to get away.
KAYE: Well say hello to the boat people while you’re there.
DOUG: We’ll wave as we’re canoeing into the Barrier Reef out there; poor things.
KAYE: Poor things. It’s terrible that situation.
DOUG: Awful.
KAYE: Christmas Island.
DOUG: Bad name, bad time of year. Unfortunately.
KAYE: M’mm.
DOUG: I’ve opened my email and just discovered I’ve got a Christmas card from Malcolm Turnbull, thank-you Malcolm.
KAYE: Oh, okay.
DOUG: Isn’t that sweet?
KAYE: Now, when is he going to make another pitch at the leadership, that’s what we want to know?
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: I’ll have him know that I voted conservative in the State elections for the first time in about 25-years.
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: I required counselling to do it but I decided I was going to do it – I’d do the same, federally but they’d have to sort-out their house, Doug. I’m very disappointed with that Julia lady – how power corrupts – my God. Padded shoulders and the whole lot.
DOUG: Yeah [laughs]
KAYE: I have to remind myself every now and again and say to her: Julia don’t forget you’re from – m’mm, Altona. Dear.
[laughs]
DOUG: I thought you were going to say Lalor for a minute, there.
KAYE: I had to think.
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: Yeah, from that great country of Lalor.
[laughs]
DOUG: I think she needs the big, power shoulders to balance things out shall we say?
KAYE: Oh, dear. I know it’s a big, big business game. But really – I mean, if they start asking around they’ll very soon find out that a majority of people don’t give a toss about stupid things like gay marriage and they just think: oh God just let the gays do what they want. Just tell them to shut-up and stop marchin’ down the street.
DOUG: [laughs] Yes. Now let’s just get it over and done with and let’s get on with the serious stuff.
KAYE: Yeah. That’s right, exactly.
DOUG: Talking of un-serious stuff - - -
KAYE: Okay.
DOUG: I know it’s serious for you: Kaye Sera’s BiZARRE. We haven’t spoken since you’ve opened that.
KAYE: Oh, how lovely.
DOUG: Have we?
KAYE: It’s going good, I keep expanding. I’m now living in a bedsit in a room upstairs because we needed to use my bedroom as the dressing room.
[laughs]
KAYE: It’s just one of those little enterprises that’s getting big – well, my performers came in and they really needed somewhere to do their deep breathing and their la-la-las.
DOUG: M’mm, m’mm.
KAYE: Get their psychic energies together and everything and so I thought, well – I’m quite comfortable. I wouldn’t want you to think I’m living in a cardboard box. But it is effectively, a bedsit. Which is how I lived when I first came to Melbourne so it’s kind-of – like, doing the full cycle. It’s fine, it is what it is. It’s a petite piano lounge in the back of an antique second-hand shop. But it’s more confident, it knows what it is now there aren’t as many apologies for it.
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: We seat as you know, 35 – 40-people.
DOUG: You seem to be doing a lot of stuff at the moment; what’s on over Christmas?
KAYE: We’re heading towards our Christmas weekend so tomorrow’s the season finale of my Vagina Dialogue programme - - -
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: - - - which I call: Salty Clams.
DOUG: Oh, dear.
KAYE: (and) For those of you – I know; for those who don’t know she was the – m’mm, that was the nickname for a very famous porn star in the 1970s. She’s said to have had a particularly salty vagina and when I heard that I thought: oh God, there’s a show in that.
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: So I turned it into a show about pornography. So the season finale tomorrow night, it’s a 9.30 show and then Friday and Saturday we’re doing a big Christmas fundraising special. A lot of the talent who have been through the BiZARRE are pitching-in; we’re fundraising for the Lighthouse Foundation.
DOUG: What is the Lighthouse Foundation?
KAYE: They do extraordinary work with homeless youth and youth in danger of becoming homeless; they have peer support and various programmes to help people sort through their issues so that they don’t end-up on the streets or if they are in that situation then clearly, they find accommodation for them and support them. They do a lot of good work – particularly for gay and lesbian youth, as well.
DOUG: Yeah, we know they are over-represented amongst homeless youth.
KAYE: That’s absolutely right. So they have this Lighthouse Foundation, a very good cause and a percentage of the door is going to them so that’s Saturday night and we’re calling it out: Kinky Christmas Saturday. Swinging together under the mistletoe [laughs] ‘cause I did a swingers’ party recently. Well, I say I did a swingers’ party - - -
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: - - - didn’t actually “do” the - - -
DOUG: We didn’t know Kaye swung?
KAYE: I was the entertainment.
[laughs]
DOUG: Not strapped into all that lycra.
KAYE: I enjoyed it ‘cause I like mixed crowds and they’re kind-of you don’t get very much more mixed than a swingers crowd.
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: ‘Cause you’ve [laughs] bisexuals and lesbians [laughs] and gay men, straights – everybody in there trying to have nooky upstairs, I guess. But I was just the entertainment so I kind-of made some good friends and I wondered if they’d be interested in some cabaret culture. As it turns out they are.
DOUG: That’s nice.
KAYE: I get to wear my best G-string on Saturday.
[laughs]
DOUG: There’s a message here from Feral Beryl.
KAYE: Oh, how lovely.
DOUG: Who says:
[reads]
“Hey Doug and Kaye, great show ... party on the weekend have over 900-people”
KAYE: Well, whose party was that?
DOUG: I wonder what party that was and why I wasn’t invited. That must be the ALSO Foundation one - - -
KAYE: Oh, yes.
DOUG: - - - we’re talking about.
KAYE: They did very, very well.
DOUG: Down at The Exchange.
KAYE: For those that may not know the ALSO Foundation were pivotal in defining the dance-party scene in the ‘80s. They ran a whole lot of the big warehouse parties down on the Docks in the ‘80s and of course there was a great debate about whether that was their core business but they certainly did a lot of good in creating cohesive community. Raising funds and the like; they’ve just recently - - -
DOUG: Gone back into the business.
KAYE: - - - well, yeah. So I mean, it’s a once-off but I hope they do more of these fundraising dance parties next year ‘cause I think when people dance together or party together it’s a great way of breaking down difference and kind-of – you know? Emphasising diversity and all those lovely things or other fabulous D-words.
[laughs]
DOUG: Yes; getting together generally – you know?
KAYE: Yes.
DOUG: Interconnection.
KAYE: Interconnection - - -
DOUG: As the old Victorian encyclopaedias used to say: Intercourse with your neighbour.
KAYE: - - - leave your baggage at the door. We seem to have forgotten a little bit of that; darling, we did this photo shoot the other day at the State Library.
DOUG: M’mm?
KAYE: (and) M’mm – have you been there since they’ve done the renovations?
DOUG: No. I haven’t.
KAYE: Oh, my; they’ve a gallery space and everything, it’s divine. You just must go there. It’s the most fabulous thing but of course they do have that big dome-reading room which is fabulous.
DOUG: M’mm.
KAYE: It’s where we were doing the shots. But I went in and darling, all the students are sitting around staring at their laptops. I felt like shaking them and saying: You’re in a library there are books here, too. I mean, not everything is on line – like, if everything was on line? Fine, great; let’s all get a kindle-wood and we’ll be done with it. But clearly everything is not so I hope these students don’t give-up with the culture of the book. ‘Cause I think it’s a good place to start. Have you ever delved into the stacks at the State Library?
DOUG: Not at the State Library, no. But I well remember in my time at uni I spent a lot of time in the stacks.
KAYE: Oh.
DOUG: Because as you say, there’s a lot of stuff. You know, the more obscure stuff that wouldn’t find its way on - - -
KAYE: Yes.
DOUG: - - - we didn’t have the internet in those days – but it wouldn’t necessarily find its way onto normal reading lists.
KAYE: No.
DOUG: You have to go and actually look for it.
KAYE: You had to research. That’s what research is about, uncovering and finding information which may not be part of the mainstream.
DOUG: Google doesn’t know everything.
KAYE: [laughs] No they don’t.
DOUG: Yes.
KAYE: Not everything is on line. That’s my message of the day to the younger generation: not everything is on line – step away from the screen.
[laughs]
KAYE: They do stare at their screens, they’re the screen generation.
DOUG: They walk down the street staring at their iPhones.
KAYE: I know.
DOUG: They can’t all be on Grinder.
KAYE: The answer to your life is not on your little iThingy (sic) you know?
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: You need to go and talk with somebody. Walk down Victoria Street and have a conversation with an elderly Chinese lady – go on [laughs]
DOUG: The funniest thing used to be – I had a couple of kids working for me in here and I say “kids”, they were very young people shall we say.
KAYE: Yes.
DOUG: They were a young, heterosexual couple who were very much in love. They lived together, they were studying together and all the rest of it.
KAYE: Yeah.
DOUG: They used to sit here, whilst I was doing interviews and they didn’t have very much to do they’d be Twittering to each other.
KAYE: Ugh – oh no.
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: I was in a group once where this pair of lovely gentlemen both with iThing-ees and they were in the same group. One of them texted the other one to ask: should we chat now?
DOUG: Yeah.
KAYE: As in, talk.
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: They were – like, 2-metres away from one another.
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: (and) The other one texted back and said: okay.
[laughs]
KAYE: Absurd.
DOUG: Yes.
KAYE: I’m starting to get old and fuddy-duddy; I’m going home to do some knitting and knit some socks.
DOUG: [laughs]
KAYE: That’s the other thing. There’re a lot of things also, over Midsumma.
DOUG: Yes ‘cause you’re a hub aren’t you?
KAYE: Yeah.
DOUG: You’re – what’s - - -
KAYE: Oh, look shout-out to Yarra Trams. They have community and cultural hubs.
DOUG: - - - a hub?
KAYE: These are venues which have many events on. There’re about five or 6-of-them; they get their own little section in the programme and – m’mm, in St. Kilda we’re the hub in St. Kilda and of course Butterfly Club are. They have some rather fabulous cabaret there.
DOUG: That’s over in South Melbourne.
KAYE: Yeah, South Melbourne and then Gasworks at Pt. Melbourne. North-side of course, the Glasshouse I think.
DOUG: So this is BiZARRE’s coming of age. BiZARRE’s grown-up to be hub?
KAYE: Well - - -
DOUG: A Midsumma hub.
KAYE: - - - did sell my fawn-budgerigar to get there. Look, I think we deserve it only because I‘m a long-time participant in the Midsumma Festival and we do have a great programme. I think it’s seven or 8-registered events. There’s a couple on top of that.
DOUG: That’s good.
KAYE: We have Words on Wednesday. That’s readings for the 3-Wednesdays of Midsumma. There’s my cabaret which is called: Funky Fraulein, when disco meets vaudeville. ‘Cause it made me laugh and that’s in the first week of Midsumma. Jade Leonard is doing a little jazz concert series there and the fabulous Glenda Waverley is doing: Glenda Waverley’s Showroom.
DOUG: Oh, dear.
KAYE: I know; help.
DOUG: Glenda last seen here at Joy pretending to be Oprah.
KAYE: [laughs] Oh no.
DOUG: Which was quite a feat.
KAYE: What do you make of the whole Oprah-thing, dear?
DOUG: Oh please.
KAYE: Please.
DOUG: I mean, the interesting thing about Oprah is I actually quite like occasionally catching her programme.
KAYE: M’mm.
DOUG: In her natural habitat so to speak.
KAYE: M’mm.
DOUG: It’s amazing how much more fake she looked when she was in front of an Australian audience in Australia.
KAYE: Why does she keep repeating the phrases?
DOUG: It’s the black preacher thing.
KAYE: About 3-times. Oh, gospel.
DOUG: You know?
KAYE: Yeah-yeah-yeah.
DOUG: It’s the gospel background: praise the Lord.
KAYE: Praise Lord. Ooh – now we’ll get in trouble.
DOUG: (and) Pass the collection plate [laughs]
KAYE: Anyway – look, I felt like saying: darling I’ve been giving my audiences pearl necklaces for years.
[laughs]
DOUG: Didn’t you just love that orange frock that single-handedly brought back the bustle?
KAYE: I actually did like that. I thought that was a very classy number – very taffeta and very beautiful.
DOUG: Yes. Very shiny.
KAYE: (and) Cut for the fuller woman.
DOUG: Yes as I was saying: bring back the bustle.
[laughs]
DOUG: Well, standing next to Julia you have to - - -
KAYE: Oh, Julia. The only thing about Julia Gillard is she’s started moving slowly; what has she done – have they put the setting down, I think she must’ve been told: Move slowly and gracefully, gesture and talk in very low and comforting tones.
DOUG: Yes.
KAYE: (and) The whole world will come on-board with you.
DOUG: Yes.
KAYE: I’m goin’ over to her house in Altona and say: Julie-Julie-Julie you ain’t foolin’ nobody, girl. You’re a fishmonger’s wife, enjoy it.
DOUG: Get on with it, yes.
KAYE: Yes.
DOUG: Get off your somewhat ample derrière and - - -
KAYE: Give her a break. She’s got a hung parliament – well hung.
DOUG: I don’t know Tim very well.
KAYE: [laughs] He gives great hair.
DOUG: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m sure he does; quick trip down to Coles once a week for a box of Clairol and there you go.
[laughs]
DOUG: Kaye, thanks very much for coming in today.
KAYE: Thank you.
DOUG: Good luck with your Christmas weekend.
KAYE: Yes, indeed thank you very much.
DOUG: (and) Enjoy your salty clams.
KAYE: We will, thank you.
DOUG: That’s Kaye Sera from Kaye Sera’s BiZARRE who’s also being a Midsumma hub.
